I feel like reminiscing.

I used to really want to be a writer. I mean to say that I guess I’ve always enjoyed writing… and really just books also. I remember being in third or fourth grade and mentally writing stories about whatever went on in my life. I had a journal that I wrote in every once in awhile too, and once I started using the Internet, I had a few online journals at various points. In high school, I made a website and wrote opinion pieces on current events, or just on original material. It was pretty fun and probably a good outlet… though I doubt anyone read it.

I actually thought that I wanted to have a job writing an opinion column until I found out how to get one. I wrote to a St. Louis Post Dispatch columnist whose work I admired, asking her how she’d gotten her start. She finally wrote me back months later and said that she’d been a sports writer for many years before finally getting a column. Sports writing?  I had absolutely no interest in that; and the idea of having to work my way up for years in order to finally do what I wanted didn’t sound very ideal to me. I can’t remember if that happened before or during the time I was majoring in Mass Communication at SIUE, but either way, it was one of the reasons I ended up changing my major. (Also, I realized that just because I could write well didn’t mean it was the right career choice. Also, I ended up taking a year off school and changed my mind after that.)

I don’t remember who started it, but at one point during college at SIUE, I and around 30 friends from BSM had xanga accounts. I really enjoy going back once in awhile to read both my public and private posts during that time. Unfortunately, eventually everyone moved on with their lives (or at least stopped posting). But it was nice to be writing and sharing it with other people. I think it was one of the few times that I’ve expressively written things and really felt like people were listening, or caring about what I had to say.

I am obviously blogging again, but it doesn’t feel the same anymore. For some reason, I don’t feel a freedom to write as I once did. I think that honestly, it has to do with the fact that I’ve become very private. I don’t really know why, but things have just worked out that way. I usually don’t publicly share what’s going on with me, at least in online forums, and I’ve become fairly bad at keeping in touch with people, too. But I miss writing and being heard. I don’t feel like I know how to write very well if I’m not saying anything from the heart or from a personal place. Maybe that should tell me something. But really… it is very difficult to put yourself out there and have silence in return. I’ve always thought that it is harder to be ignored by someone than to have conflict with him/her.

I don’t really plan to write for a living anymore… my life has not panned out that way so far. I went from two writing-related majors in school to graduating with a degree focused on social science. But sometimes I daydream that I’ll be able to write with a purpose. I don’t really want to be famous or anything. But I do think that being able to share something from your heart that can change someone else’s perspective is a really beautiful thing, and it’s something that God wants to see happen in our lives as believers. If we’re receptive to His Spirit, I think we can really be empowered to minister to others just as Jesus did. It’s a nice thought. I would like to be able to live my life that way, and be able to use writing to do it. I’ve never been very good at oral communication, anyway.

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